My New Year's Resolution: My Unwavering Resolve with a New Approach

In my 10-year-long pursuit of a career in game development and design, I sometimes find myself feeling somewhat like Sisyphus, an ancient Greek figure known for spending eternity pushing a large rock uphill. The rock, in my case, consists of distractions, zone out episodes, family matters, occasional computer maintenance, part-time bagging and cleaning duties, and money management. More often than not, I felt like my life is being wasted cleaning up after other people for a living, that my efforts to improve myself have all been for naught, and that I'm subconsciously being driven to insanity by being at a blue-collar job that's irrelevant to my career goals. Simply put, it would appear that I'm doomed to be at a dead end for the rest of my life without accomplishing anything that even remotely resembles a game design career. Yet still, I continue to find reasons to keep moving onward in my creative endeavors and I continue remind myself of my unwavering resolve to become a successful solo independent game designer no matter what the odds. In this regard, the only thing changing here is the approach to achieving my goal.

While it may seem that not much has changed for me in the past year, I did manage to make just a few steps forward in my career path. The most significant step I've taken was to convert the middle room (which has been my PC space for over 20 years) into a fully dedicated game development studio office (after going to a lot of trouble to sell the old furniture that's been a waste of space). With more open space than before, I've been able to make numerous rearrangements and adjustments in ways that enable me to better function as a solo game designer with a solitary life style. In one scenario, I could move from my PC desk to the art/writing desk behind me when I'm drawing up character and environmental designs. I would also be able to pick up various game development textbooks off of one of the shelves quickly and easily when I'm working with various game engines like Unreal, Unity, Godot, and GameMaker Studio. I can also just do some simple reading on the recliner. If I feel like working out, I can just lay down a few pieces of fitness equipment. With numerous possibilities as well as more materials and equipment to be added, I'll be able to fully exercise my game development, design, and production process. That is, once I get around to actually doing that.

Everything a game developer needs to conceive ideas and make video games in one room.

I have a personal policy to not do anything unless I know exactly what I'm doing while leaving no room for error. This self-imposed policy is, to put it bluntly, a double-edged sword, and has been affecting my ability to work on my time management, discipline, focus, diligence, and regularity. Instead of doing that, I find myself spending money on a regular basis on groceries, gift cards for Google Play (and occasionally Steam, iTunes, PSN, Xbox Store, and the Nintendo eShop), and various things on Amazon that piqued my interests. It doesn't take a financial expert to figure out that I have a budgeting problem; I spend more money than saving it, all the while worrying about never having enough money for what I need and/or want. Perhaps it's this fixation on my spending routine, coupled with vaguely trying to come up with ways on making more than just $200 a week, that I've forgotten the most important part of any creative endeavor like game development: the creation of ideas.

Over the years, I've been keeping a list of various ideas for video games I could make, adding to it as new ones occasionally spring to mind. At the time of this writing, I have over 50 video game ideas in that list yet I very rarely committed my time to expanding upon them. Instead, I browse the Internet (when I'm not watching gameplay videos on YouTube and scrolling through news feeds on my various social media accounts) trying to figure out how I could plan, design, develop, program, refine, market, and sell video games in ways that are efficient and productive with a minimal consumption of time. Simply put, I spent my efforts consuming the technical aspects of game development instead of building upon my ideas, which is probably what I should've done earlier in hindsight. This realization has made me consider rethinking the way I plan my game development process. 

While it is good to have various relevant textbooks, online articles of interest, and assortments of custom YouTube playlists readily available to work on the necessary technical skills, I doubt it would do me any good to make games with barely baked ideas. Fortunately, I have just the solution for that problem: my personal ever-expanding backlog of physical and digital novels, TV shows, movies, comic books, manga, history books, science literature, and, of course, video games. If I can just channel all that into fuel for my game ideas via notes and sketches, I should be able to turn at least a few of those ideas into full fledged games when the time comes. And I should also be able to spare some time developing my technical game development skills while I do that. After all, I got all the time in the world apart from my part-time bagging and cleaning jobs, which is one of the perks that comes with being a lone independent game developer aka a #solodev.

Thinking back to the past 7 years since graduating from the now defunct Becker College with a Bachelor's Degree in Game Design, I'd consider myself more fortunate to be able to work part-time at a local supermarket close to home than I would've been had I taken the more conventional route to game development. By "conventional," I'm referring to 9-5 work weeks, moving to big cities, cubicle desk jobs, board meetings, office gossip, deadlines, crunch times, sociopathic bosses and their sycophant underlings, etc. Given my issues with social norms as well as my lack of a social life, I doubt I'd be able to deal with any situation involving a toxic co-worker or boss. Having what I've read in video game industry news as well as an article or book about toxic people and dangerous personalities, I'd like to think of being at home and working at my current job as a blessing in disguise. Perhaps it's the fact that I have family, friends, and co-workers who understand my struggles with autism or that I've worked among overall good people for over 16 years. But the one thing I'm certain off is that I don't have to risk my mental health working with any toxic person with a personality disorder. And working in the video game industry via conventional means is bound to be more trouble than it's worth based on what I've been reading concerning AAA industry practices, ethical issues, and my failed attempts at getting entry level jobs and internships via companies like GameStop. Plus, I have no need to move to a another state, city, or country since I'd be working on my game development here at home while I needing to commute to work via a 15-minute drive or a roughly 30-minute walk depending on the situation. 

As for the subject of money, let's just say I shouldn't be worrying too much about my finances for the time being. That doesn't change the fact that I have no real portfolio, the website I created during my days at Becker (www.timdheard.com) is pretty much dead, and professional networking sites like LinkedIn and job search sites like Indeed.com are a basically joke at this point. Still, I'll need to consider improving my financial literacy and figure out a way to make more money in the future. Since looking for additional jobs beyond bagging groceries and cleaning the bathrooms and breakroom is out of the question, I'll have to make due with the source of income I currently have, which calls for slightly more diligence in money management. Still, if there are opportunities in which I can put my game development, design, and gaming knowledge to work while making additional money for my bank and Paypal accounts, I'll gladly take them. In the meantime, I'll just stick to my part-time job for income while I work on my game ideas and development skills until I can create something that's profitable.

So there you have it for my New Year's Resolution: my unwavering resolve to become a successful solo game developer with plans for a new approach. While my current situation my appear hopeless, I continue to find reasons to keep going onward; to not give up on my dreams no matter what comes my way. One way or another, I'll make my career in the field take off and achieve true independence. Until that time comes, I'll just keep on working here at home to make it possible, knowing that I'm at least not Sisyphus. Here's to the new year and better fortunes.

The only workspace I will ever need.