I am not Bill Gates: The Misleading Economic Myth of the Asperger's Engineer

After finding a desire to have a career in video games less than four years ago, I enrolled in a game development curriculum offered by Becker College in the Fall of 2013. Two and a half years later, I graduated with a Bachelor's Degree in Game Design and attended the commencement ceremony as a formality around five months later. During that time, I have gained valuable insights in the process of game production, development, and design; I became aware of the various software programs involved in those processes ranging from illustration programs like Adobe Photoshop and Illustrator to game development programs such as GameMaker: Studio, Unity, and Unreal. More importantly, I have acquired enough general know-how to make my own games while also exploring additional options that would make some of my ideas possible. My learning experience was and continues to be invaluable but it was not without hurdles that were compounded by my Asperger's Syndrome, a mild form of autism which impairs my abilities to communicate and socialize while also causing me to process information differently from normal people.

One of my struggles comes from how I process information. When I started my first semester, I originally pursued a Bachelor's Degree in Game Development and Programming. As part of my curriculum, I took a course in college algebra. I was able to grasp some of the mathematical concepts, but I remember struggling to get them right in some of my homework assignments and tests. We were expected to commit the processes to memory, sometimes without even using a calculator; I have found that next to impossible to do. I managed to get a B+, but the limits of my mental abilities were pushed to the limit when I took a course in data structures during the Spring 2014 semester. I had a hard time trying to put my understanding of programming concepts like linked lists, amortized lists, binary, queues, and stacks into actual working code. At times, my mind would even go blank and I would shut down, rendering me unable to do anything for extended periods of time. That is a problem I would end up facing when trying to write up code for a few assignments in other classes as my years go on. As a result, I got a C- grade in the data structures course and I ended up changing my degree program to Game Design to avoid the risk of the problem impacting my academic performance.

Another struggle stems from my difficulty communicating with other people and working with them in a group. That had not been a real problem for me until I took a two-part course during my final two semesters before I completed the curriculum. It is called Senior Game Project, a two-part course designed to test students in everything they have learned about game development and design up to that point. It is basically a two-part project structured to simulate a real-world studio environment. This is done by having students first form groups to pitch project ideas and, once approved, create games based on those ideas. Sometimes these projects start off in one semester and continue into the second, assuming the original team stayed together. For students who have spent four years living on campus, it tends to be an easy task. For people like myself, an autistic off-campus transfer student for around two years, it was next to impossible. I didn't know a lot of other students personally and I never made many friends during my two and a half years as a student. That lack of connectivity to other students contributed to my struggles with the Senior Game Project courses.

In Senior Game Project (which will be referred to from here on as SGP II based on the course title), I formed a team with a student I recognized from an art class from the previous semester because he was taking the same course I was. We tried to bring in other team members but had no luck. We then set out to work on a vertical SHMUP (Shoot-'em up) with vehicular customization. Being a two-man team, we've experienced plenty of problems during the semester, including me not responding to some of his Skype messages when I was setting up a new computer in order to use some required software more effectively for the other courses (which resulted in his anger), sending him old art assets by mistake when I meant to send him new ones, and having a communications breakdown/meltdown during the mid-to-final weeks of the semester when I had difficulty in knowing what to do to finish the project. I asked myself, "Had my efforts all been for nothing?" I wasn't exactly sure how the final presentation of that project turned out as I was barred from campus for the remainder of the semester for talking to myself in a way that caused unease to those who heard me.

In my second Senior Game Project I (which will be referred to from here on as SGP I based, again, on the course title), I came up with a project proposal for a 2D platforming shooter similar to the first two Duke Nukem games but with modern mechanics. Trying to form a team of up to 3 or more people during the first few weeks was an excruciating process. Somehow, I (by pure luck) managed to form a team with three other people who read my proposal (a fourth person would be added a few weeks later). Shortly after presenting my proposal to a group of students, it was not approved. One of my teammates said he was leaving because of that. That left me distraught enough to not be able to attend my part-time shift. My idea was supposed to be simple; it was theoretically manageable in terms of programming skill, art design, and minimal resources. So what went wrong? Did I not present the idea well enough? Were some people put off by the way I presented my ideas for the combat system? Did I not make some parts clear? Was it because the names of the my fledgling team were not included in the proposal? Whatever the case, I managed to consult my team members in coming up with another proposal via Skype. After exchanging a few ideas, we came up with the idea of a 2D black-and-white silent platformer using the silent films of the 1920s and film noir films of the 1940s as sources of inspiration. As we worked on the story and gameplay mechanics, I thought things were turning out better than SGP II, which is true in a number of ways. But that project had its own set of problems.

For starters, I could not get email responses from my other team members in a timely manner because they all had other commitments like their other classes and their jobs, Of course, I do not hold them at fault for that. But I had worried that some of my updates and additional ideas were not reaching them due to a lack of response. Secondly, the programmer and myself found ourselves working on two builds as opposed to one which made the project more complicated than it needed to be. Consequently, we found ourselves trying to get the first level to even work properly all the way into the mid-terms. The rest of the semester consisted of numerous bug fixes as we added a couple of more levels, story dialogue in between the levels, getting the enemy AI to work, working on additional art assets, and getting collision detection to work to properly. What was supposed to be a simple game turned into a project of unnecessary work and slow implementation. On the eve of the final presentation, a bug that wasn't found manifested itself at a time when the final build was supposed to be ready. As a result, the game stopped working. For one of my team members, it was the breaking point. "I can't do this anymore. This isn't what I signed up for. I don't care anymore." Those text messages carried a massive sting to me, injecting me with frustration and despair. I scrambled to look into the bug and fix it, which I managed to do. One might call that a miracle. Needless to say, the final build became fully functional and the final presentation went off without a hitch. It took a while for me to mentally recover from the ordeal.

All in all, the Senior Game Project was the defining experience for me when it comes to working on video games with other people. In SPG II, I learned the importance of coming up with an idea for a game that would be doable with limited resources; delivering appropriate assets in a timely manner; being clear in what tasks need to be done; and having the best affordable computer in order to do efficient work on a project. In SPG I, I learned the importance of maintaining communication within a group at all times; breaking up tasks into manageable chunks to speed up the work flow; and concentrating efforts on a single game build by utilizing the strengths of each team member. Unfortunately, these beneficial lessons were outweighed by my increased reluctance to work with other people and my decreased desirability to do so in the future. In the end, I earned my Bachelor's Degree in Game Design and a spot on cum laude, the third highest honors the college has to offer. Even so, all of the knowledge I gained, the tools I have acquired, and the best technology and software I could buy did not change the way my brain works in processing information and communicating with people.

Since completing my curriculum in December, I've been in the process of refining my skills; expanding my knowledge of game design and development; jotting down game ideas as they come along; and familiarizing myself with various game engines like Unity, GameMaker: Studio, Clickteam Fusion 2.5, and Ren'Py. But that process has been rather slow. In fact, it is hindered by my constant pacing, frequent Internet surfing, and mentally shifting to a world inside my own head that usually manifests itself in the form of self-talk. Consequently, I work on something like a Photoshop project or a blog post for five to twenty minutes only to resume around two to four hours later. I have no doubt that my slow work pace is rooted in my mental resistance to change a subconsciously established routine, another facet of autism. It is reinforced by the fact that I have written plenty of to-do lists, reminders in a weekly planner, daily activity logs, and ACT lists to manage my various game development-related tasks yet I have constantly failed to fully act upon these written plans even though they are within my space, sometimes in front of my face. As of this writing, I'm struggling to overcome my mental resistance in order to accelerate my game development and design process which would result in getting much more work done and creating some of my own video games, resulting in a considerably more substantial source of income than the one currently substantiated by a four-hours-a-week part-time paycheck and the occasional recycling of empty soda cans and beer bottles.

Now that I've laid out my current struggles with autism in my video game career path, I'd like to go over a prevailing myth about autism within the technology industry in general. It is believed by some employers that someone with Asperger's Syndrome is some kind of engineering wunderkind; in their eyes and minds, that person is a holy silver needle in a stack of people with moderate to severe autism who are unable to talk, support themselves, and even handle some of the most basic tasks of daily living without help from their families. The myth itself was brought to my attention by an article on Gamasutra which goes over it in more detail and how it is doing a disservice to the employment of autistic people in general, let alone ones with Asperger's. The insult was added to the injury by Alex St. John, one of the developers behind Microsoft's DirectX technology platform who recently got an internet backlash for his controversial defence of the 80-hour work week in the video game industry which he consolidated in an equally controversial Powerpoint. One slide of that PowerPoint in particular, titled The Young the Old and the Useless, described an ideal employee with Asperger's Syndrome like this:

1. They have no social skills
2. They generally marry the first girl they date
3. Can't make eye contact
4. Resume and educational background is a mess...because they have no social skills
5. They work like machines, don't engage in politics, don't develop attitudes and never change jobs

These five points are, to put it mildly, misleading. In fact, they paint a rather degrading picture of a person with Asperger's. Allow me to elaborate on these five misleading points:

1. It is not that people with Asperger's have no social skills at all. They just have difficulty with the communication skills necessary for the social interaction that most normal people take for granted. In my experience, it took me considerable time to do just that and have managed to make friends along the way. Of course, I do not usually make the time to hang out with these friends due to various conflicts we are all bound to have like busy schedules. But I do engage with them on Facebook and occasionally make email conversations with a few of them.
2. Obviously, the second point applies to males. It is hard to imagine anyone, let alone those with Asperger's, marrying the very first man or woman they have ever dated in their lives. I, for one, have never dated any girl in my life. In high school, I made a few awkward attempts to get a girlfriend which have failed due to my underdeveloped social skills at the time. I have since moved on with my life. I may end up getting a girlfriend in the future, but who knows? I doubt I'll ever get married, either.
3. While it is true that it is sometimes difficult for people with Asperger's to maintain eye contact, that does not mean they can't make eye contact at all. In my case, I mostly make eye contact with the people I'm talking to, although it was initially difficult for me to do so when I was young. But when I find myself struggling to maintain a conversation with someone because I could not find the right words to say, I lose eye contact along with any further discussion I was having with that someone.
4. Having limited to no social skills does not lead to a messy resume and educational background. In my experience, I have struggled socially yet I managed to get high grades in high school, a community college, and a four-year college. I also gained a grasp at writing up a resume provided that I know what sort of job position I would like to apply for. When I was a boy, I spent my kindergarten years as part of Project Duke, a special needs program designed to help children like myself control their behavior. I also came to know a few young people similar to myself when I was in elementary school, middle school, junior high school, and high school. During my years at Becker College, I befriended a few people with Asperger's, both of whom graduated this year. One was a member of my SGP I team and graduated with a Bachelor's Degree in Video Game Production and Management. He is currently politically active in his hometown of Oxford, MA. Another had graduated with a Bachelor's Degree in Game Design, magna cum laude (second highest honors), and dual membership in the Alpha Chi and Alpha Lambda Delta honors societies. In my book, these feats are quite extraordinary.
5. People with Asperger's are human beings with emotions, dreams, talents, ideals, and beliefs like anyone else; they are not soulless socially inept machines. In my case, I cannot make complex mathematical computations in my head like a calculator, cannot do a lot of work in one sitting for long hours at a time, and cannot do tasks unless I have concrete frames of references to work with, like a textbook going over a concept related to programming. I also have my own political stances. I stand by the separation of church and state; I believe that all autistic people deserve better treatment in school, the workplace, and society; and I oppose those who attempt to push their political, social, and moral views onto the game development process and video game culture. I also have a bit of a negative attitude towards those who lack a strong work ethic and students who placed being social above learning anything in school. And lastly, I intend on changing jobs from a part-time bagger to a full-time game developer once I develop the necessary skills.

To put icing on the cake, I was told that Bill Gates "used his Asperger's" to become one of the most successful businessmen in the world. Yes, I'm referring to the founder of Microsoft, the multi-billion dollar software company famous for its Windows line of operating systems and its Xbox line of video game consoles. I could not find any evidence online that Bill Gates actually has Asperger's; no official diagnosis and no obvious signs of autism. So to use Bill Gates as an example of the successful Asperger's man/woman is rather unreasonable. To make my long story short: I am a human being with Asperger's Syndrome and I am not Bill Gates. I have no doubt that I'm not the only one who finds the "Asperger's Engineer" myth to be stereotypical, misleading, and insulting. I can also be certain that people who have relatives with mild to moderate to severe autism would find it ridiculous for businesses to assume that someone with autism can do supernatural feats like seeing mathematical equations in the air.

To conclude this post, I ask you, the reader, these questions: if you or someone you know has autism on either side of the spectrum, how does your experience compare to the ideal "Asperger's Engineer?" What struggles do you or that someone face when seeking an education and employment? Do you think that the "Asperger's Engineer" myth is harmful to you and other people with autism, some of which are struggling to find a job? Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section directly below.